Monday, June 14, 2010

I Still Miss Her.

I started this post a number of times, but then I thought the heck, and here it is.

Its officially over between me and my ex-best friend.
She went away for the vacations, and me being the pathetic, loser that I am, was 'broken up' inside because we had not talked in ten months. Since she stabbed me in the back that is.

We had a sort-of fight around September. I thought if I wouldn't speak to her for a few days, she'd apologies, because it was her fault- but the days turned into weeks and then a whole month passed. I was alone at that point, I needed her- so bad- so I decided that I would try to talk to her.
She ignored me.
I tried to get her to talk but she ignored me again and... again. I just thought she was scared of confrontation.. she had been like that, and the ways I tried to talk to her were probably not the best, I guess.
At first I tried to just talk to her, then I tried to provoke her into talking to me, but she never took the bait. I wasnt even worth a reaction.
I was hurt. I was very hurt. But I thought it didnt matter. Maybe she was just mad or scared of admiting that she was wrong. I dont know! But I knew it wasnt because she didnt want to be friends anymore. It couldn't be.

A few more months passed and she made tons of other friends and I made some too.. but I could not forget her, even though I put on a tough exterior.
On her part, she was perfect. Partying, having a great time, she never, ever once showed that she missed me. I thought that was just on the outside you know? A part of me hoped she missed me as much as I did.
We'd been together since the seventh grade for God's sake!
I knew her [or thought I did] and she knew me. We'd been through a LOT together, we always had each others back, and I seriously loved her. She was good, she was mine, we were inseparable.
We made all the usual promises- Best friends forever- I'll always be there for you- the usual nicknames, the plethora of inside jokes.

She went abroad for the vacaz, and yesterday, I just couldnt stand how for apart we were.

So finally, after a long time of indirect conversation through friends, formspring, and messages which went unanswered by her- I facebook inboxed her, asking her if we could talk.
I was confident she wouldn't say no. I mean, all our mutual friends had told me of how much she 'missed' me and she even sent me a 'good luck for your exams' text. And throughout those ten months, she was never directly harsh- just unresponsive.. if that makes sense. She was perfectly nice when we talked face to face, on the extremely rare occasions that we did- but I wanted her back. The real her. Not the fake person she was now. I needed her. I missed her.
And above all... I knew her! She was MY little pixie (our nickname for her) and we'd shared the most important high school years together! I just knew she would try to make things better- I mean, I had waited for her to make the first move and it was time to swallow my ego right? Make the first move [again] ?

Her reply, was a simple: Things are fine as they are now. Let's just stick to being acquaintances. 

For a moment there, I was numb.
What the fuck? What?

I never, ever, EVER thought I would live to see this day- as dramatic as that sounds.
I mean, how the fuck can she do this to me?
I thought I KNEW her. I thought we were FRIENDS- BEST friends.
I guess I thought wrong eh?
For 5 whole years, our 'friendship' was a lie?

I just cant wrap my head around it. I mean, okay, we had a fight, but if we fucking TALK we can work things out right, or at least, she could let me know why she did what she did, and why she doesnt want to be friends anymore! Right?

I just, cannot grasp the fact that our 4 to 5 years together have been what, a LIE? \They cant have been.
I knew her...

I dont understand.
Its cheesy, and I know I shouldn't be- but I'm so heart broken, I'm so lost I'm so desperate.
Ugh. I'm pathetic.

I was ALWAYS there for her, and when I needed her the most, she disappeared at that exact moment.

What perfect timing.

I just.

I dont know. I'm hot and cold. Sometimes, I feel like this:

Other times, its just this:

My friends tell me to give it up. To stop torturing myself over some one who clearly does NOT give a shit.
No one can fake five years of their life. Not five whole years. She's in their somewhere, call me crazy, but I still have hope, that somewhere- deep down- my pixie exists.
I just wish I knew what happened to her, to us.

I shouldn't but..
I still miss her.


  1. You know what? For the first time I feel like kicking her. I am so sorry. Part of it is my fault too; should've tried harder...

  2. Sorry. I don't know anything personal about you, but i am still very sorry.

  3. So you have my life. This has happened to me for like two years in a row. with the same person. I don't know what she did to you, but you probably hate her one minute then cry for hours in your pillow. Yup. Been there. Done that. Too many times. Listen to Forever & Always by Taylor Swift. Its like the exact thing. But today I listened to one of my other friends talk about it and she told me first I need to forgive myself. I was like what the heck. Forgive myself for what. And she said for letting me get hurt, because I was mad at myself. Next I need to forgive her. Even if she doesn't apologize. Let her know that she is forgiven. Even if I don't feel like she deserves it. Most of all I need to move on. No matter how hard it is. I need to forgive, but not forget. I can know what she did, but I don't need to think about it every second wondering what could have been. I also needed to pray. I'm still working on all of those parts. I haven't spoken to this girl for two years, she hurt me that bad. Its only been a couple of months. Don't give up. Keep going. You are a wonderful person. You may never be friends with her again, but know one thing. Her life was better because she met you. I don't know you, but you have shared so much of what I went through I feel you need some help and guidance when I had none. Stay strong.

  4. Why did the whole fight start? I got back with my friend I fought with. I know how you feel...

  5. And they say
    "Some are good, some are bad,
    some don't know what they've lost,
    And thats just sad -
    for them"

    Don't you worry and don't you miss her - there are many in this world who'll trample upon other things to make you happy. And it is them who matter.

    And I know how much it hurts - everybody has that kind of story cropping up in their lives at one point of time or the other. But. The important thing is how you can let the bull screw its cords itself and focus in enjoying YOUR life.

    Forevers are no longer what they meant to be when we were kids, remember that. It's all about M&N :

    "ME. & NOW."


    So stay happy -
    You're pretty; the world is beautiful - why waste time over someone who doesn't even care!

  6. She cares. I know she does. I told you to wait until she got back. She's told us a million times she misses you 'so much'. That couldn't have been fake. 'Your Pixie' is still in there. Believe me, she is.

  7. I don't know you but i do know people and the only thing i can say is that if someone doesn't want to be a part of your life anymore then they won't be. It hurts... ALOT. believe me i know.... but at some point you have to move on and realize that she maybe was a person that was there for a season... a five year season but a season. I know you can get through it.. we as people are built tough!!

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  9. This is overwhelmingly sweet.

    Okay, Sara and Sal.. just dont do anything okay? The ball is in her court now- I tried and now, I'm done trying. Theres no point in hurting myself over someone who doesnt really care.

    Thanks for the concern Swimmer. Its so awesome how you guys actually read my emo posts and comment on them. Thanks for the love <3

    Tansy.. what you said, about 'you probably hate her one minute then cry for hours in your pillow.' yeah- thats pretty much it. I know, I WILL, I SHOULD move on. But, What I Say Matters!.. both of us know, its easier said than done..but, inshAllah, hopefully, I'll get there!
    {Ps. Taylor Swift rocks!}

    THANKS MARIA. Love you.

    Kanwal- Lucky for you.

  10. I love you <3 I'm sorry about everything-again.

    Your Pixie.


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