I started this post a number of times, but then I thought the heck, and here it is.
Its officially over between me and my ex-best friend.
She went away for the vacations, and me being the pathetic, loser that I am, was 'broken up' inside because we had not talked in ten months. Since she stabbed me in the back that is.
We had a sort-of fight around September. I thought if I wouldn't speak to her for a few days, she'd apologies, because it was her fault- but the days turned into weeks and then a whole month passed. I was alone at that point, I needed her- so bad- so I decided that I would try to talk to her.
She ignored me.
I tried to get her to talk but she ignored me again and... again. I just thought she was scared of confrontation.. she had been like that, and the ways I tried to talk to her were probably not the best, I guess.
At first I tried to just talk to her, then I tried to provoke her into talking to me, but she never took the bait. I wasnt even worth a reaction.
I was hurt. I was very hurt. But I thought it didnt matter. Maybe she was just mad or scared of admiting that she was wrong. I dont know! But I knew it wasnt because she didnt want to be friends anymore. It couldn't be.
A few more months passed and she made tons of other friends and I made some too.. but I could not forget her, even though I put on a tough exterior.
On her part, she was perfect. Partying, having a great time, she never, ever once showed that she missed me. I thought that was just on the outside you know? A part of me hoped she missed me as much as I did.
We'd been together since the seventh grade for God's sake!
I knew her [or thought I did] and she knew me. We'd been through a LOT together, we always had each others back, and I seriously loved her. She was good, she was mine, we were inseparable.
We made all the usual promises- Best friends forever- I'll always be there for you- the usual nicknames, the plethora of inside jokes.
She went abroad for the vacaz, and yesterday, I just couldnt stand how for apart we were.
So finally, after a long time of indirect conversation through friends, formspring, and messages which went unanswered by her- I facebook inboxed her, asking her if we could talk.
I was confident she wouldn't say no. I mean, all our mutual friends had told me of how much she 'missed' me and she even sent me a 'good luck for your exams' text. And throughout those ten months, she was never directly harsh- just unresponsive.. if that makes sense. She was perfectly nice when we talked face to face, on the extremely rare occasions that we did- but I wanted her back. The real her. Not the fake person she was now. I needed her. I missed her.
And above all... I knew her! She was MY little pixie (our nickname for her) and we'd shared the most important high school years together! I just knew she would try to make things better- I mean, I had waited for her to make the first move and it was time to swallow my ego right? Make the first move [again] ?
Her reply, was a simple: Things are fine as they are now. Let's just stick to being acquaintances.
For a moment there, I was numb.
What the fuck? What?
I never, ever, EVER thought I would live to see this day- as dramatic as that sounds.
I mean, how the fuck can she do this to me?
I thought I KNEW her. I thought we were FRIENDS- BEST friends.
I guess I thought wrong eh?
For 5 whole years, our 'friendship' was a lie?
I just cant wrap my head around it. I mean, okay, we had a fight, but if we fucking TALK we can work things out right, or at least, she could let me know why she did what she did, and why she doesnt want to be friends anymore! Right?
I just, cannot grasp the fact that our 4 to 5 years together have been what, a LIE? \They cant have been.
I knew her...
I dont understand.
Its cheesy, and I know I shouldn't be- but I'm so heart broken, I'm so lost I'm so desperate.
Ugh. I'm pathetic.
I was ALWAYS there for her, and when I needed her the most, she disappeared at that exact moment.
What perfect timing.
I dont know. I'm hot and cold. Sometimes, I feel like this:
My friends tell me to give it up. To stop torturing myself over some one who clearly does NOT give a shit.
No one can fake five years of their life. Not five whole years. She's in their somewhere, call me crazy, but I still have hope, that somewhere- deep down- my pixie exists.
I just wish I knew what happened to her, to us.
I shouldn't but..
I still miss her.