Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Its a little more than a week away. Seriously? Seriously. Today as per normal, I was thinking about myself. Of how much I have changed. I have changed a lot. And I do not like it one bit. Oh fuck. Dropped my iPod again. I need a break. It isn't likely. I HAVE stuck the AS Level time table on my door. But actually studying, is an entirely different story. Today in Physics, I was even more depressed than usual. I realized that I had a million question, but zero guts. Because that's what its come down to. Guts. Courage. I'm scared of being laughed at, at being ridiculed, and that fear is pushing me swiftly into the shadows. I have realized that my school is special, but not in the way I thought it would be. It is special for people who are strong, hardworking and don't need a sharp kick, once in a while. People who know the actual meaning of 'responsibility' and actually act upon it. It is not for people like me. And that will be my undoing. Okay that totally sounded poetic. But no. I mean, fuck okay, in my old school, I seriously did not give a second thought to what the 'others' might think. I was confident, popular and had a strong circle of friends. Yes, I didn't get amazing grades, [except for English and math],but that was purely because I was too carefree. My and my friends were too focused on having a good time then actually pay attention to what the the teacher was saying, though the days I DID pay attention, I had no problem in getting my misunderstandings cleared. The teachers were losers, only good at their subject nothing else. My fellow classmates were nice but I wasn't in awe of them, and the best thing was, I knew they wouldn't be purposely mean to me, just for 'something to talk about'. Okay, Its not as if it was all rainbows and sunshine, but it was better than this. Way better. My teachers here are full of themselves. And I hate that. I'm doing okay in Bio because my teacher- even though 'full of herself' is a pretty darn good one. She makes us do things, stays in touch, and actually cares she has an acid tongue, but the thing is, she doesn't single people out and sneer at them for not being the smartest in class or for not trying. She, in her own way, motivates us, asks for our opinions and in her own twisted way, makes us care. We share a love hate relationship, but I dearly hope she is the one teaching me next year as well. My Physics and Chem teachers? Yeah they hate me. And I have to say, sometimes? The feeling is pretty mutual. They're everything Ms M is not and more. And yeah, they do the singling-out thing pretty well, if you ask me. I think I may go to Lahore for my second year after all. The thing is, I'm really confused. If I go to Lahore, I will definitely get all the help I need studies-wise, but I'll be missing out on all the amazing activities here! But I guess, thats not that big of a sacrifice. I'll still get to see my friends, since I'm sure I wont completely uproot myself from here, but I dont know. Its a lot to think about. And I need to get through these torturous exams first. I need help. Or maybe, I need to grow up, stop whining and face the cold and bitter truth: This is my life, and waiting around for someone to come and fix it up will be a waste of it. I gotta slay my own dragon. I have to rescue me. Ah. I'm so messed up. Whatever. We'll see. Shut up brain. CLG.